SONA 2009 - Candidate for best fairytale of the year

Earlier before I started hitting keys on my keyboard I wanted to set this post's title as "Brainwashing", but I'll save that title for the 2010 Philippine Presidential Elections. Take this blog post as a peaceful way of rallying against the President, no battling the water cannons, trampling unsuspecting ralliers and getting ass kicked by a nightstick required.

Anyways I just enjoyed a good relaxing nap after reading the text of the President's latest "State of the Nation's Address", or more popularly known as SONA. To the President, this is a sucker punch sort of chance to win the people back. To the thousands of protesters outside, the SONA was just another attempt to brainwash the people. To me, the SONA is one of the bestselling storybooks that a 19-year old can read so that he can put himself to sleep at night.

The whole speech is like all classical fairytales and fables spun together into a 4,422 word address. It spoke of kingdoms with endless amounts of moolah, and silly happily ever afters that only appeals to a 4-year old child.

It was like, "And then, the Philippines is teh richest country in teh whole world, and they live happily ever after, teh end". I'd prefer it being, "And then, the little evil dwarf with a gigantic mole stepped down from the top, and they lived happily ever after, except for the unfortunate dwarf, who recieved massive ass kicking both physically and verbally.

I'd like to react to some highlights in the SONA. There are some parts there that really made me lol.

The past twelve months have been a year for the history books. Financial meltdown in the West spread throughout the world.

Tens of millions lost their jobs; billions across the globe have been hurt—the poor always harder than the rich. No one was spared.

It has affected us already. But the story of the Philippines in 2008 is that the country weathered a succession of global crises in fuel, in food, then in finance and finally, economy in a global recession, never losing focus and with economic fundamentals intact.

A few days ago, Moody’s upgraded our credit rating, citing the resilience of our economy. The state of our nation is a strong economy. Good news for our people, bad news for our critics.

lolwut. Did the President take her coffee before her speech so that she won't drowse off to her dreams during the address?

I did not become President to be popular. To work, to lead, to protect and preserve our country, our people, that is why I became President. When my father left the Presidency, we were second to Japan. I want our Republic to be ready for the first world in 20 years.

O RLY?

New tax revenues were put in place to help pay for better healthcare, more roads, and a strong education system. Housing policies were designed to lift up our poorer citizens so they can live and raise a family with dignity.

More like new tax revenues are there so they can further help us steal from the citizens and new housing policies so we can give the poorer citizens moar problems and such.

For standing with me and doing the right thing, thank you, Congress.

Who the f*** are you talking to there?

In the last four years tourism almost doubled. It is now a $5 billion industry.

Only a tard who has negative IQ will even dare going to the Philippines and be 'tourists'.

Mula pa noong 2001, nanawagan na tayo ng mas murang gamot. Nagbebenta tayo ng gamot na kalahating presyo sa libu-libong Botika ng Bayan at Botika ng Barangay sa maraming dako ng bansa. Our efforts prodded the pharmaceutical companies to come up with low-cost generics and brands like RiteMed. I supported the tough version of the House of the Cheaper Medicine law. I supported it over the weak version of my critics. The result: the drug companies volunteered to bring down drug prices, slashing by half the prices of 16 drugs. Thank you, Congressmen Cua, Alvarez, Biron, Locsin.

The only drugs that seems to have lowered their prices and had more people buy them is weed, coke and shabu, so I call bullshit there.

To those who want to be President, this advice: If you really want something done, just do it. Do it hard, do it well. Don’t pussyfoot. Don’t pander. And don’t say bad words in public.

I detect large amounts of hypocrisy in this sector.

Nagtayo tayo ng 95,000 na silid-aralan, nagdagdag ng 60,000 na guro, naglaan ng P1.5 billion para sa teacher training, especially for 100,000 English teachers.

Then explain to me why schools and the skill of English teachers aren't even worth crap.

In private high schools, we finance half of the students.

Explain to me why I don't feel financed in any way at all.

In technical education and skills training, we have invested three times that of three previous administrations combined. Narito si Jennifer Silbor, isa sa sampung milyong trainee. Natuto siya ng medical transcription. Now, as an independent contractor and lecturer for transcriptions in Davao, kumikita siya ng P18,000 bawat buwan. Good job, Jennifer.

Why should I be surprised for a very meager pay like that?

For college admission, the Task Force recommends mandatory Scholastic Aptitude Tests. It also recommends that higher private education institutions should be harmonized with state universities and colleges, and that CHED should oversee local universities and colleges. For professions seeking international recognition—engineering, architecture, accountancy, pharmacy and physical therapy—it recommends radical reform: 10 years of basic education, two years of pre-university, before three years of university.

Thanks a lot for making extremely hard entrance tests mandatory in colleges. Maybe then we wouldn't have douchebags as professionals in the country now.

Hindi ako nag-aatubiling bisitahin ang ating taong bayan at kanilang mga host sa buong mundo – mula Hapon…hanggang Brazil, mula Europa at Middle East hanggang sa American Midwest, nakikinig sa kanilang mga problema at pangangailangan, inaalam kung paano sila matutulungan ng ating pamahalaan—-by working out better policies on migrant labor, or by saving lives and restoring liberty.

Did you enjoy their H1N1 flu souvenirs? I guess now you wouldn't have to shell out millions of pesos just to stop the spread of a harmless disease?

I have accepted the invitation of President Obama to be the first Southeast Asian leader to meet him at the White House, later this week.

That he sought us out testifies to our strong and deep ties.

High on our agenda will be peace and security issues. Terrorism: how to meet it, how to end it, how to address its roots in injustice or prejudice—and first and always how to protect lives.

We will discuss nuclear non-proliferation. The Philippines will chair the review of the nuclear weapons non-proliferation Treaty in New York in May 2010. The success of the talks will be a major diplomatic achievement for us.

There is a range of other issues we will discuss, including the global challenge of climate change, especially the threat to countries with long coastlines. And there is the global recession, its worse impact on poor people, and the options that can spare them from the worst.

You're going for the gold there I see, using a US president as cover and all. Maybe both of you enjoy sharing fables and fairy tales with each other.

3. The economy is more fair to the poor than ever before.

No shit O_o
/sarcasm

There is nothing more that I would wish for than peace in Mindanao. It will be a blessing for all its people, Muslim, Christian and lumads. It will show other religiously divided communities that there can be common ground on which to live together in peace, harmony and cooperation that respects each other’s religious beliefs.

You are missing the point. This is not about religious conflicts. This is about how shitty you run this country and these terrorists are just expressing their rights to share their disbelief on your capabilities.

In 2001, I said we would finance fully automated elections. We got it, thanks to Congress.

Wow, this is like a Philippine government edition of Duke Nukem Forever, only it actually got released unlike the game.

At the end of this speech I shall step down from this stage, but not from the Presidency. My term does not end until next year. Until then, I will fight for the ordinary Filipino. The nation comes first. There is much to do as head of state—to the very last day.

There's nothing you can do. All thumbs are going down at you one by one. I suggest you just resign from your post now and save yourself from the humiliation next year.

Ang ating taong bayan ay masipag at maka-Diyos. These qualities are epitomized in someone like Manny Pacquiao….Manny trained tirelessly, by the book, with iron discipline, with the certain knowledge that he had to fight himself, his weaknesses first, before he could beat his opponent. That was the way to clinch his victories and his ultimate title: ang pinakadakilang boksingero sa kasaysayan. Mabuhay ka, Manny!

Pacquiao is better than you. He may not be more superior with the English, but he thinks about people waaaaaaayyy better than you.

However much a President wishes it, a national problem cannot be knocked out with a single punch. She must work with the problem as much as against it, turn it into a solution if she can.

We can knock you out of your post with a single punch right now if you want.

I never expressed the desire to extend myself beyond my term. Many of those who accuse me of it tried to cling like nails to their posts.

I guess now the President or her minions are reading our Twitter tweets and our blog posts. Hooray.

I am accused of misgovernance. Many of those who accuse me of it left me the problem of their misgovernance to solve. And we did it.

I am falsely accused, without proof, of using my position for personal profit. Many who accuse me have lifestyles and spending habits that make them walking proofs of that crime.

We can read their frustrations. They had the chance to serve this good country and they blew it by serving themselves.

Those who live in glass houses should cast no stones. Those who should be in jail should not threaten it, especially if they have been there.

Today the Philippines is weathering well the storm that is raging around the world. It is growing stronger with the challenge. When the weather clears, as it will, there is no telling how much farther forward it can go. Believe in it. I believe.

And to the people of our good country, for allowing me to serve as your President, maraming salamat.

Don't mention. I mean, srsly, don't ever mention it.

Now that I'm done ranting here, I'm gonna sum everything up through a simple demotivational lulz poster: