Reactions

Google added a new feature into Blogger called "Reactions", where readers can express their reactions through preset expressions given by the blog writer/administrator. To use Reactions, you just tick one of the tickboxes on the bottom of each blog post to conveniently express your reactions. It's easy right? This should help me get some criticism, constructive or not, when people are too lazy to write something on the comments box.

A second person narrative of a Tropical Storm Ondoy survivor

To explain the scenario I'm going to picture, let's play pretend. Suppose you are a regular Filipino citizen, waking up at 4AM in the morning, either ready to go to class in college or you're fresh from a blackout from the nearest cockpit. When you look outside the window, you realize that it's raining. And it's not regular rain, it's raining hard, as if God decided that the Philippines is some sort of a toilet to piss on with rainwater. You shake it off, reminding yourself that this is another of those Philippine phenomena you can't find anywhere else, and conclude that the rain will probably stop in less than twenty minutes or less.

Two hours later, you are on your way to work, and still the rain has not shown any signs of weakening.

Curious about the current weather situations, you tune in to the radio and hear an announcement that a tropical storm is about to cross the mainland. You turn off the radio and breath a sigh of relief that it's only a tropical storm, not a hurricane. To you, and the majority of society, a tropical storm, when compared to a hurricane, is a 12 year old, 200lb, asthmatic boy with red hair, pale skin, freckles all over the body, oversized glasses, enjoys World of Warcraft and wears a t-shirt with the words, "Mommy's biggest boy" in big, bold letters.

You sit down on your computer, begin typing worthlesss papers your professor told you to type on your computer, when suddenly your noisy roomate bursts in your privacy, in his face, both the expression of happy and shock. At first glance you thought he was just going to tell you about his peephole session last night, but today, his subject was a bit different. There's a fucking flood outside. And no, it's not just a "flow that drags garbage and infants", it's a "gigantic flow that drags cars and stupid people with the minds of infants".

You were very relieved, for probably your professor and his frail body would be dragged by the flood and disappear forever without a trace. You tell your roomate you are going to party it out by pubbing on DoTa. You start to log-in to Garena, when suddenly, it failed to start, because the Internet was out.

You sigh, because you couldn't show off to the world how much you suck at playing DoTa. However, you found hope when your buddy told you tha you're just going to fight with each other mano a mano. You fire up Warcraft III when suddenly the your computer monitor, together with the whole dorm, was covered in darkness. The power was out.

Wh3r3 m4h d0t4 g0?

Your roommate proceeded to scream, "Holy shit", in Filipino. You facepalm yourself, overpowered by the regret of not being able to play DoTa today. You open the windows to let light in your room. You see the scene outside and let out a gasp of horror.

You see different kinds of objects being carried away by the raging flood water - clothes, appliances, even cars - moving in the flow of the liquid as if the streets were turned into an angry river. There's the occassional retard being carried away by the flow, and, in really rare occassions, some of those retards even enjoys the ride.

This, minus Michael Bay CGI.

Suddenly, your thoughts were shifted on your friends outside. Are they ok? You take out your one thousand peso Nokia N93 chinaphone ripoff and sent out a group message to all of your friends about the flood. One by one, the messages failed to send, due to two reasons: (1) You don't have any prepaid credits left and (2) There isn't any cellphone signal.

You cuss at your cellphone failing itself, and decides that it could serve the purpose of being a wedge later whenever the situation comes. You and your friend sit down on the torn, dirty couch you stole from the lounge, thinking about what to do next. Your thoughts were interrupted rudely by a threatening sound that came from downstairs. It was the front door, and it just blew open like a SWAT team inserted some breaching bombs and blew the explosives.

You and your friend cower in fear, lest it was drug law agents searching for the stash of shabu you hid under your bed with your dwarf brother. The threat came up the stairs, only that it did not emit sounds of footsteps and officers radioing for backup. It sounded wet. And angry. Your friend screamed and pointed at the foot of your door. Water flowed underneath the door. The rainwater spread throughout the room, destroying everything unlucky enough to not be on top of some sort of support.


Four hours later, after living on a couple of leftover potato chip snacks and refusing to drink any water (lest it's piss), the flood inside your dorm room has reached knee level. You and your roommate proceeds to the roof of your two-story dorm, where getting bombarded by tiny droplets of water for hours is way better than being tormented by one whole body of water threatening to drown you.

You find other people experiencing the same fate as well - families and households holed up on their roofs, watching in horror as their possessions - televisions, refrigerators, their worthless laptop computers, being towed away by the flood, as if God took them away and said, "Hey, nice stuff. Lemme have it" while giving the family the finger in the process.

This is the situation of the Philippines during September 26-27, 2009. Tropical Storm Ondoy, a regular typhoon destined to only go around the Philippines and wreak havoc on Taiwan, decided to be a dick and went through the mainland. Also, instead of just passing by as a regular nuisance, he decided to be a bigger dick by showering the South-Central Luzon with heavy rainfall, much like mobsters enjoy raining their targets with plenty of .45 calibers from their tommy guns before disappearing from the scene. To meteorologists in and out of the country, this is a once-in-a-lifetime disaster. To the victims of the calamity, it's a huge "fuck you" from God, probably because Pinoys spent too much time betting at cockpits or DoTa games at various computer shops instead of being at church worshipping Him.

God makes more awesome "signs" thes days.

Others who were lucky to move out of dangerous places were holed up in makeshift evacuation centers, where at least a hundred families are forced inside school buildings (Hint: School buildings in the Philippines are roughly quarter the size of a hospital). They fight over resources and attention that bored volunteers give them, probably because their schedules of beating the shit out of each other were interrupted by the sudden outburst of weather.

Pictured above: Evacuation center without the usual in-fighting.

Today, the receeding rain has lowered the flood levels to knee deep, but still, the people are devastated for the loss of their clothes, belongings and shelter. Moreover, they're depressed about losing a day of not wasting their lives playing DoTa and/or texting on the phone. I guess that's the positive effect of this massive fuck-up, despite the whole country labeling this as one of the worst disasters of the year.

A plethora of suckage: 5 reasons why Philippine TV shows suck

You might have seen a few TV shows in the Philippines. If you're a Filipino, you've probably seen them all, as for every two Pinoys, there's a television among them, whether if its a shitty 80's 10" CRT or a 60" LCD HDTV. However, it's not the television set that has a problem here, it's the shows they're broadcasting everyday.

The story is awesome. The characters are rich and vibrant, and everything seems to go smoothly. But why do these shows still suck? There are plenty of reasons for this mishap, but we'll only cover five, like...

5. Too many commercial breaks

Nobody likes commercials. Even the talents promoting the commercials don't enjoy looking like an idiot in front of a camera to help a retarded douchebag become less retarded.

Pacquiao: Honestly, I don't know why the fuck am I endorsing shampoos or speaking English.

If you happen to be watching a show in the Philippines, be prepared to take a break for every ten minutes. There are rare occassions of commercial breaks every five minutes, featuring products shittier than Head-On.

On the bright side, getting a break every ten minutes seems to be good for the fitness of Filipinos. After a commericial starts rolling, you can go to the bathroom, eat something, then come back before the show returns. That increases the frequency of walking, and everybody knows walking is the best exercise, right?

Above pictured: TV, without commercials.

4. Lame dubbing

If it's one thing Filipino TV is known besides fake reality shows, it's anime/Korean/Taiwanese/Chinese shows dubbed in Tagalog, because the majority of the population doesn't understand the show's original language nor English.

Here's an example of a dubbed show:



Holy shit! Could it get even worse?

Well, yes it can.



Strangely, Gost Payter seems a lot better. Genius dubbing I must say, even for a $10 mic bought at the market and 10-year olds on the microphone.

3. Repetitive themes

As a popular quip goes, Filipinos can't get enough. True, but for storyline plots, it gets boring and boring for every minute you spend watching.

You want a plot concerning children? Make one, and pedophilic women will embrace and hump the TV screen as it broadcasts. You want a plot concerning cheesy romance? Make one, and probably TV geeks will rival at the pathetic green-screening and think everything they see are real.

This is even more real than the hallucinations we get while snorting chemicals.

Hell, Meet Dave has a way better storyline than these.

2. Lame death scenes

A majority of Philippine TV shows, especially those of the soap-opera type, showcases death as an equalizer of the plot. However, sometimes the cause of death fails to equalize the storyline and instead baffles the critics and once again turns middle aged women into necrophobic hags, forcing them to pray the rosary 10 times a day to "not fall to the ground and dying after clutching the chest for no apparent reason".

WTF? Clutching your chest then dying? Heart attack, probably, but the one dying here is 28 years old in the plot, and has no record of heart disease of whatsoever. Skip to 1:10 in this video and you'll see what I mean.



Can't we have better and more realistic death scenes here? Can we have none of those insanely-retarded "small-car-at-20kph-instantly-killing-200lb-sturdy-man" twists and "getting-shot-in-the-arm-and-dying-without-even-bleeding" deaths? Can we have something a little bit more gorey, like exploding heads?




Much, much better.

1. Unexpected story line cutoffs

Let's me explain this in a more common scenario. Let's say you came to a concert of your favorite band. Now, the lead guitarist is already in his solo's climax when suddenly, the music stops, and the vocalist sadly announces that the stage will now be taken by some "lame singers who can't sing but pays money", much like Chris Brown. Then you stand up, leave the theatre, and swear to yourself that you will implode the heads of anyone who bites arms and makes wack music. I mean, really.

Yeah, that's it, keep punching yourself in the face.

In reality of Philippine TV shows, every timeslot needs something to occupy it. It doesn't matter if the show is the next big hit or the next big failure, something, anything that doesn't resemble a commercial should fill in that time slot. However, producers of TV shows seems to rush the production of their shows, which leads to shitty shows, which leads to shitty shows already being broadcasted on TV to have their plots cut and the vital parts skipped, to give way for the next shitty show to replace it. And the process goes on and on.

Lolcats are just plain awesome.

So if you happen to watch some Pinoy TV, be sure to take a piss in every commericial break (use that as an excuse to not watch the horrible commercials), try to understand the expressionless and bad dubbing, the same storylines, the lame deaths, and the capitalism involved in marketing television shows. All this writing makes me want to go back to good old Pinoy TV, where plots are plots and there's always 20 minutes of beatdowns every day.

About Sulatang Tapunan

What is Sulatang Tapunan? Most of you think of it as a blog built by dickassery and other forms of underhanded writing techniques, but it's actually more than that.

History

It all started long ago, as a blog built for ranting small stuff not supposed to be shown to general public. The original blog was hosted somewhere around Friendster, because most of Aldo's readers were stationed around Friendster. After being fed up with the shitty blogging interface of Friendster (and its overall shittiness), Aldo moved the blog to his Multiply profile. The ranting went on for two months, until Aldo thought that he won't recieve plenty of viewers that links back to a social-networking site. He decided to move the blog to a full-featured blog host, preferably Blogger or Wordpress. Since he has been using Blogger for quite a while, Aldo decided to take refuge there, bringing his blog with him.

In the beginning, it was a blog for ranting about his everyday mishaps and adventures. After a while, Aldo broadened his horizons and began to write about other topics unrelated to his life, and began to criticize other media with dick articles. The result was awesome articles untouched by regulations of religion, conservatives, and the government.

This space is reserved to add some more unrelated information.

Debunking the "Lady Gago - Poker Face" fail video

If you think this is a reaction post about some lame parody of Lady Gaga's Poker Face, stop, and exit this window. The video I am speaking of here is not the music video, nor a weird parody of it featuring homosexuals. This is about some "weird-out-of-this-world" fail video about some faggot who failed to understand the basic laws of physics.

Unfortunately, some 58 year old mothers flagged the video as inappropriate, causing Google to bury the video under failsoil forever. I just saw the video last night before going to sleep because somebody passed the video around on Facebook and I thought it would be awesome to watch and will guarantee that I'll have nightmares during my sleep.

Here's a narration of the video for those unfortunate to miss it:

The scene begins with some non-understandable Arabian text, signifying that the video was shot somewhere in the Middle East. After the 1-second text, a scene involving a pier with a group of people is seen. One of the men is crouched on the top of a higher platform, ready to jump into Davy Jones' below. He jumps, and successfully lands into the soft, comforting, and warm Arabian waters. After climbing up and catching up with his friends above the dock, one of his other friends felt that his friend who jumped was so badass and now he desires to be just like him. The friend takes off his top, climbs up the platform, and, forgetting to crouch like a frog to increase jumping distance, then leapt carelessly and slipped in the process. Instead of falling into the water below, he fell headfirst into the steel dock directly below the pier, and finally he falls into the water, motionless. The unfortunate one's friends in the pier above gasped in horror, with their faces painted with the expression of "WTF". Rescue authorities came later, and carried the seemingly lifeless body from the water, now red with blood from the man or because Moses has risen and placed his staff on the water.

After that fail, the scene is replaced to an operating room scene where the viewer is relieved to know that the unfortunate fellow is consciously alive and not dead. However, there is a problem. His face has been completely split in half. A huge crevasse crossed in his face's center meridian, removing his nose in the process. Unfortunately, due to the lack of lighting in Arabian hospitals, the victim's brain could not be seen, giving the hint that it probably got launched out of his head after the impact. Also, the "doctor" thought his patient's face was so adorable and cuddly, so he held his patient's cheeks and began to squeeze it in and out, much like a 5-year old squeezes her dolly's firm, plastic cheeks.

Yes, it's really uncomfortable to hear the words "split" and "face" in the same sentence, with a direct relation between the two. If you didn't see the video, here's how he looked like after his ordeal:

 Like this, but the face was split in half.

Viewer reactions

Most people, after watching the video, will be all sorts of "WTF" much like the unfortunate man's friends and will keep the lights on when they sleep lest a man with a split face comes at the foot of their bed at night. Only the ones with common sense will shake the video off as a hoax meant to mock the safety of docks in the Middle East and to tell people to not dive in piers, especially if you're in Saudi Arabia.

Why it's bullshit

Overall, the whole video is a hoax. Probably the first part with the jumping and face-planting with solid steel is real, but alas, the whole operating room scene is probably not. Here's that factors that proves the whole concept of still alive with a split face is fake:

1. The impact is so strong it destroyed the front of the skull.

After the ordeal, the man's facial interior is visible as if the skull parts covering it disappeared. They really did disappear, as the bones are not powerful enough to withstand a 30mph right-into-solid-one-meter-thick-steel drop. Which leads us to...

2. Salt water went inside the exposed brain and messed with everything.

Imagine you have a small cut on your finger. Try going to the beach and wash your wound with a few drops of salt water. It hurts quite a lot right? Now turn that cut into a huge split in your face and wash it with liters of sea water. How does that feel? Obviously, you won't feel anything, since (1) You're dead, and (2) Your brain already flew off, negating any nervous processes.

3. "Doctors" attending the patient

I think the doctors fail more than the patient who is mercilessly dying on top of their operating table. Instead of trying to calm down the patient, drowning him with anesthesia (which would be a waste because he doesn't have any nervous processes anymore), and begin healing/putting out of misery operations, one of the doctors grabbed the dying man's two dislocated cheeks and began to squeeze them together, probably in an attempt to "fix" the face by gluing the two parts of the head with Krazy Super Glue.

Pictured above: Only tool required to fix a split face.

Conclusion

Putting together the three points aforementioned above, we come with two conclusions:

1. The unfortunate man is already dead, or;
2. The whole thing never actually happened, and is based on a fail jihad for Islamity.

I wish to take the liberty to officially state that this video is blasphemy and deserves its banishment from the Internet. Those who oppose to my decision, raise your hands, and I'll take you to a Middle Eastern pier with a steel dock below. I'll then push you down, letting you faceplant hard into the solid steel dock, splitting your head in the process, get liters of salt water in your already empty noggin, and have "doctors" attend to you by squeezing your already destroyed cheeks.

Pic unrelated.

5 jobs in the Philippines that only a badass can take

The Philippines is a tough country where the toughest of laborers alike are being called every day and night for their menial duty. Their jobs are shitty as hell and makes a convenience store clerk job at a 7-11 in America look like a fantasy rocket ship tester job with free food and women in space. Nevertheless, the sheer badassery of Filipinos molded up people who are capable of filling these dirty, tough and gruesome shoes. Let's take a look on some of the most difficult jobs in the Philippines and find out why they are so badass.


5. Computer shop attendant/administrator

A typical computer shop, minus the little immature douchebags occupying them.

Computer shops (aka Internet Cafes in Western terms) are slowly taking over the streets of the Philippines, overtaking places where basketball courts and sari-sari stores used to be. Computer shops are internet cafes on steroids. No, it's not because the computers are so kick-ass, it's because the people who spend their hours on computer shops seems to be on roids all day. And they're not the "hulked-up-people-type" but rather the "raging-dota-nerd-who-has-no-life" types.

You think watching over a computer shop is easy? Wait till you meet your customers.

Overall, the customers of a regular computer shop range from angsty teens tending their Friendster accounts to college students late on their papers to little kids who rage whenever they get killed in Defense of the Ancients or Special Force. The first two are probably easy to handle, however, the last can be a bit tough to hold. They're usually impatient and stupid, and will immediately blame your computers when they lose and give the excuse "for being too laggy" when their pings are below 100ms. Add that to the regular raging and ass-kicking whenever they wager on matches and lose afterwards.

The computer shop attendant's usual customers.

So you still think it's easy? Are you a Pinoy IT Professional just graduated out of college? A small piece of advice, please don't start at computer shops unless you got balls of steel or the patience of a saint.

4. Pedicab driver

During the 70's, the world experienced a drastic spike in oil prices that people finally got on bikes and the fatty population went down noticeably. During those days, tricycles, or a motorcycle clutching a cab on the side, were common as short-distance transportation. When the oil crisis hit the Philippines like a fist up the ass, the tricycles were deemed "expensive as shit" to maintain and people invented the pedicab, which is a bicycle with a cab attached on its side. Same as a tricycle, minus the engine.

You think it's easy? Just wait till you see your passengers. Most of your passengers are either (1) Lame and unable to walk short distances or (2) So fat and lazy they don't feel like walking at all. It should probably be no problem at all transporting the first type of customer, but if you encounter the latter, you're in for a exhausting ride. Let's see you carry more than 200lbs of weight using a rusty bicycle for about a hundred yards. Sometimes they travel in groups, and the 200lbs of weight is multiplied. Let's see you drag that weight around. If you can for at least 10 hours a day, you're probably Lance Armstrong already.

Also, I'd like to mention that most pedicab drivers are elderly people who are shunned from a good paying office job and are left to do menial tasks. Wouldn't it be a surprise if you come across an old man driving a pedicab around clutching three 200lb fatties? You'd certainly want him as your grandpa.

Especially if his name is Bill and he's a Nam veteran that kicks ass.

3. ER room doctor/nurse

For one you might be wondering, why is a medical profession here when all doctors do is just tee or jack off while their patients slowly die of cancer or AIDS or whatever? For your information buddy, that's regular doctor shit, if you never came across a doctor in the emergency room, you ain't seen nothing yet.

See, cases like falling from the fourth floor of SM's Supermalls or being stabbed with a kitchen blade is much, much more common than fires. In a hospital there's always a 24-7-365 dedicated team of medical experts (some of them not experts at all but who the f-ck cares) that are ready for any cases of emergency injuries, from small baby "boo-boo's" to intentional limb amputations by angsty teens.

Doc, I my anus hole seems to be bleeding this morning. And yes, it was a really wild party last night...

Remember that one "shift" in a typical emergency room job is at least six to eight hours long before you take a thirty to sixty minute break where you try to fit eating, pissing, shitting and sleeping in a limited amount of time. Yet these men and women are always up and ready for duty in the emergency room. If they ever feel cranky for not getting enough rest, they can take their frustrations out on the patients they're looking after by acting like a bunch of dicks and just leave them to die and tell their gullible family members (if the patient has any) that the patient is doing alright...in hell.

I deeply regret to tell you that you are going to die. Isn't that awesome?

And since I love ruining your day, I'd like to tell you that about 75% of nurses graduating from medical school everyday aren't competent enough for the pace of the emergency room. So if you got into a car crash or stabbed in the back by a stranger at the marketplace, and your nurse at the ER room doesn't know the difference between anesthesia and euthanasia, you're pretty sure you're in the right direction to meet death through a retarded nurse.

Although if they have awesome racks, that changes everything.

2. Public school teacher

Teaching, especially in a government-run school, can be a good chance for you to experience hell on earth. Because, after spending a year educating low-lifes and retards, you're pretty sure those "students" were Satan's knights who decided to have fun by being a dick and pissing you off at every possible minute.

Philippine public school students.

Like a computer shop attendant, you get to meet a wide diversity of people to look after, but being in a public school, you're going to deal with a lot of assholes who waste their lives playing DoTa and getting in fistfights where they retreat to a nearby tree and fling stones while they get their asses kicked. Basically, to prevent themselves from cutting themselves up to end their worthless lives (which is pretty effective in my honest opinion), they inflict their frustrations and rage on people that seems meek when outnumbered. That's where the teachers come in.

Unless you're Chuck Norris, Duke Nukem or a professional martial arts practitioner, do not to take the path of the public school teacher. I mean, seriously, no. Better have retards running around in the streets than sacrificing your sanity and life to educating those bastards. I mean, they can't learn and they never will. Don' think talking and psychology will help you here, since these tards have lost the ability to percieve speech and relies solely on written text (aka f-bombs on Dota and Special Force) to communicate.

By saying Duke Nukem, you really need to be Duke Nukem, with the shades and Devastators and all.

1. Jeepney driver

The trademark transportation vehicle of the Philippines, otherwise known as the "King of the streets" in Filipino. The jeepney is an evolved ripoff of the Jeep Wrangler that has been modified to carry up to 16 people at a time, using only an ordinary diesel engine. Jeepneys are usually mass-produced by hand, since manufacturers were cheapskates and preferred dragging children from the streets to work on their jeepney manufacturing rather than utilizing robots for manufacturing.

Jeepney drivers, before they joined the hidden cult of jeepney driving (I won't mention a name or cult assasins will come at my house at night), were faced with a life-changing decision: either live the life of driving 8-10 hours a day or stay in KTV clubs, drink booze all day and beat the shit out of your wife once you go home. Only the tough, courageous and badass chooses the former, while the meek and cowardly bluntly chooses the latter. After prospective drivers are initiated through a couple of tests which are deemed inhumanly in a sense, they are now officially jeepney drivers and are awarded a license to drive the shitty vehicle around and a towel to wear around their necks.

 Certified and trained badass.

Did I mention jeepneys work like shit?

Jeepneys are very ill-equipped vehicles that seems incapable of carrying 16 fatties all at once (including the driver) for ten hours a day. In fact, jeepneys don't have handbrakes, signal lights, speedometers, and sometimes even gastank meters. The parts of the vehicle weren't guaranteed to be safe, in fact, they were meant to fail. The steering could freeze, the brakes could fail, and the gas can run out in any given moment. In fact, being a jeepney driver can equal the thrill and success of being a super-spy-thief-whatever working in laser beam security, just with at least eight to ten people bothering you everytime, handing you their fare and telling you to stop and have them come out of your jeepney.

Kuya, bayad po. I hope I don't interrupt your laser-dodging-act as I hand over my fare.

To explain it with even more depth, once you've mastered the art and skill of jeepney driving, you can already have a go flying fighter jets and stealth bombers. You'll have to replace the steering wheel with a lame stick, however.

 This is more fucking awesome than flying!

So there you go, the five most tiring, energy-consuming and ballsy jobs available in the Philippines. So my dear Americans, if you're going to whine about your nine to five shift in the nearby McDonalds or 7-11, remember what you've read here, and you'll certainly get a perk up and probably keep on working.

ACET today

I'm going to be taking the ACET (Ateneo College Exam Test) later this afternoon at 1:30PM. Since I only have a few minuts to write this post, I'm simply going to ask you to wish me luck, since, according to most people, the ACET is one of the most difficult college entrance examinations in the Philippines, because the test mainly composes of things about English. I guess it's going to be easy then.

How the sinking of Superferry 9 could've been avoided

Like, holy shit

Right now, all newspapers, news websites, radio broadcasts and basically all forms of journalism manipulated by the Philippines (with the exception of Twitter) is buzzing with news about the latest Superferry 9 f-up. Normally, I wouldn't give a damn about stuff like this, however, I'm going to use it as an excuse in order for me to get back to writing after a whole lot of messing around in Gmod.

Anyway, according to the web article by Inquirer.net, 926 passengers were rescued, however, at least 30 are found to be missing. As usual, Superferry is doing its best to cover the shit up, which turns out to be a success, especially towards the poor, the meek and the gullible who thinks everything on TV is true.

What caused the sinking of the ship? To be honest, nobody has the answer yet, although people are already jumping to conclusions. Some blaming it on pretty obvious reasons - overloading, especially since the boat is filled with 847 fat-assed passengers who are illegal squatters in Manila trying to go home to the provinces. Others blamed it on the Abu-Sayaf terrorists, who are probably pissed and high after going through a day of Ramadan with nothing to eat but opium and crack. Some even went batshit about the situation - blaming ghosts of previous disasters of the ship (since the ship has gone through at least three accidents already).

 

All possible causes of the sinking.

That leads us to the things everyone should have done so they could have avoided the tragedy. And they failed, as usual.

First, if the accident is caused by terrorism, they should have properly inspected the ship before it weighed anchor and also, post some guards around the ship to watch for any suspicious people in ski masks planting C4s in the ship's boiler room. But hell, C4s are so 2004, like Counter Strike. IED (Improvised Explosive Devices) are the norm these days. IEDs usually take in the the form of cellphones, and since 1 1/2 in every two Filipinos own some sort of "cellular-signal operated telephone", it's very hard to spot a bomb in a crowd of fake Nokia chinaphones. Let's just hope the coast guard can train bomb sniffing dogs.

Secondly, if the accident is caused by overloading, then they should actually limit the number of passengers in the ship. I don't care if he is your nephew, your brother-in-law, or that faggot at the gaybar who threatens you for your balls. Essentially, Pinoys are bound with the retarded "everyone for everyone" theory. We're not Communists, damnit.

 I'd enjoy booze for everyone, but I wouldn't share a hot chick with everybody else.

To calculate how the Superferry 9 sank because of overload, let's take the following formula: Weight of average Pinoy * number of passengers. Essentially, an average 30-45 year old Filipino male eats plenty of pork, beef and rice each day, which can be roughly estimated to be between 160-260lbs. Let's multiply 260 pounds to the amount of passengers, which is 926. That gives us  240,760 pounds of pure Filipino being carried by a badly-built ferryboat. Also, Pinoys act like magnets, only that they're magnets high in steroids. They are attracted to places with a lot of their same kind. If you go to a Garena room, all of the players will crowd in a particular area until it is so full the Garena administrators have to restart everything. Let's put that in the situation of a boat. One Pinoy goes to one side, one follows him, two follows them, four follows them, then eight, then sixteen, then the whole process goes on until all passengers are on the right side of the boat, which led to the sinking. And now those passengers are putting the blame on Superferry. Like, lol.

 Imagine a crowd three times bigger than this in size and quantity on one side of a ferryboat.

Lastly, and concluding the two aforementioned above, the situation would have greatly been prevented if somebody actually gave a shit about the situation itself. Don't get it? Here's an eye-witness narration during the evacuation of the stranded people in the sinking Superferry 9:

Passenger: (to coast guard officer in a liferaft below) Help! We're out of lifeboats! Get to the coast and grab us some for the others!
Officer: (yawning) You can cram yourselves in a room just because there's plenty of you in there. Get used to it.
Passenger: (spotting a child being thrown by the waves below) Help! There's a child being overpowered by the waves below!
Officer: (yawning again) You can overpower a child in the streets and make him do shit. Get used to it.

And no, I'm not just pointing a finger at the coast guard. I'm also referring to the passengers themselves, for being so stupid about cramming themselves in a boat. They see a huge sea vessel - marvelling at its steel engineering, and conclude, "Wow, my tax dollars seems to have been put into good use. Let me just get my illegal children and family and cram them inside this boat. It'll be awesome!" While his plan is certainly not genius, you can clearly see the humor there.

 

Also, as a bonus, let's all listen to a very special song that the passengers were singing before the boat was being pulled into Davy Jones'.

Random second person adventures 1

After being bored hacking something in Ubuntu, I decided to go writing a very random and retarded second person series. As you are reading this, please imagine it all in your head - the sights, the sounds, the pain, the retardedness, yes, everything.

Episode One - WTF am I?

You just arrived in Uncle Sam's shithole. Congratulations!

You are a British dude. You recently arrived in America and dearly needed a smoke. So, after leaving your hotel room, you eye a cigarette stall on one end of the street. You casually approach the stall and asks the vendor for a cigarette.

You: Excuse me lad, you got any faggots?
Vendor: What?
You: I said, “You got faggots?”
Vendor: You calling me a faggot bitch?
You: No, I'm simply asking you for -
Vendor: - an ass-kicking!

The American vendor immediately responds to the confusion with a sharp fist to your face. You promptly go down to the concrete sidewalk and suddenly remember that you are not British but Chinese, since your beat-up eyes gave way to a squinted mess, and the blood loss led to fairly yellow Asian skin.

You notice the blood stains on your shirt and realize you're not going up here in America with bloodied clothes. So you cruise around the streets for a while until you find a grimy laundry shop on the end of a dead street. You enter the store and meet the laundry store keeper, who is an African-American that resembles Mike Tyson.

You: Hello, youi doi laundry here?
Owner: Yeah. You want that dry or wet?
You: Whot?
Owner: I said, “You want your laundry cleaned dry or wet?”
You: I understand no?
Owner: Are you fucking joking me?

Suddenly you remember those American movies that illegal Chinese immigrants bring to their home country for their fellowmen to see how movies are made in America. You try to remember a fancy line from one of those American films. Suddenly, you remember a well-known line and yell to the owner,

You: Yapyee-kaie-ee, motherfucker!

The laundry store owner, being extremely high on meth, cocaine, and all kinds of narcotics and liquor known to earth, quickly responds to your fail with a signature jab right between the eyes. The huge force of the punch is so tremendous that it would destroy any scale created by man. The force is so exceedingly high, that upon impacting your body, it sends your frail frame flying backwards at eight times the speed of sound. Not even the meter thick titanium walls of Fort Knox stopped your motion, not even the 500 mile thick diamond deposit beneath Zimbabwe did so. You went around the world for at least six times before finally stopping at the North Pole, surrounded by polar bears who never saw a Chinese dude before, and mistook your dead body for a tasty sea lion snack. ONOMNOMNOM

A failed attempt of a scammer

So, I'm just browsing the web tonight, trying to find something to entertain me for a while, when I received a text message. And no, it's not an SMS from close people I know, it's from a complete stranger.

From: +639262631193 (09262631193)
Congratulations! Ur Sim# had won P480,000 from V-Pres CHARITY FOUND.by electronic Raffle Draw. Call me n0w Im'Atty;Rex A. Mendez DTI Permit#8094 Series\2009

Note the following:

1. The quoted message above is the original text. I included everything, including the sender's typos.
2. I recieved it on 7:17 PM, according to my phone.
3. I do not enter raffles and I have no idea I have ever joined a raffle named "CHARITY FOUND"

Having problem deciphering the message? Here is a much more proper transliteration:

Congratulations! Your SIM number had won 480,000 Philippine Pesos from Vice President CHARITY FOUND, by electronic raffle draw. Call me now, I'm Attorney Rex. A Mendez. DTI Permit#8094 Series of 2009

Here's the following reasons I find this as a retarded fail:

1. I did not enter any raffle named "CHARITY FOUND". The only raffle I seem to have entered as of this moment is a Toy Kingdom raffle for a Rock Band set, other than that, nothing else.
2. How the hell did they know my number? I did not shout my number in retarded chatrooms.
3. Why would an attorney announce to me that I've won something? Isn't it supposed to be someone else? Also, if this guy is an attorney, couldn't he text the information a little more properly? I see a text message of a ten year old here, not a professional lawyer.
4. The DTI Permit number is fake and the whole text message breaks the rules of the DTI.
5. What's with the V-Pres? Is he implying Vice President Noli De Castro facilitated this raffle draw?
   

So please, "Atty. Rex A. Mendez" or whoever you are, would you kindly stop sending people scam text messages? Because, to be honest, they're not working for people who think, which is most likely people like me. If you ask me, you're a budding homosexual who is 330 pounds and works at a gaybar with his transsexual mother who has a dick. I hope you understand.

Changed template

I changed the template again since the old one seems to stretch the pictures from the new Blogger post editor. So like a lazy noob I used an awesome template from DeluxeTemplates.net called Paper Wall. Basically, it's got my own special taste, vintage looking paper/notebook feeling that always wins and relaxes your eyes. The theme itself is a conversion of a WordPress theme by Indeziner.com and Smashingmagazine.com. For legal purposes, I did not create this theme, nor own any possessive rights to it. I am simply using it for my blog, which is the purpose of the free template. So enjoy!