5. Computer shop attendant/administrator
A typical computer shop, minus the little immature douchebags occupying them.
Computer shops (aka Internet Cafes in Western terms) are slowly taking over the streets of the Philippines, overtaking places where basketball courts and sari-sari stores used to be. Computer shops are internet cafes on steroids. No, it's not because the computers are so kick-ass, it's because the people who spend their hours on computer shops seems to be on roids all day. And they're not the "hulked-up-people-type" but rather the "raging-dota-nerd-who-has-no-life" types.
You think watching over a computer shop is easy? Wait till you meet your customers.
Overall, the customers of a regular computer shop range from angsty teens tending their Friendster accounts to college students late on their papers to little kids who rage whenever they get killed in Defense of the Ancients or Special Force. The first two are probably easy to handle, however, the last can be a bit tough to hold. They're usually impatient and stupid, and will immediately blame your computers when they lose and give the excuse "for being too laggy" when their pings are below 100ms. Add that to the regular raging and ass-kicking whenever they wager on matches and lose afterwards.
The computer shop attendant's usual customers.
So you still think it's easy? Are you a Pinoy IT Professional just graduated out of college? A small piece of advice, please don't start at computer shops unless you got balls of steel or the patience of a saint.
4. Pedicab driver
During the 70's, the world experienced a drastic spike in oil prices that people finally got on bikes and the fatty population went down noticeably. During those days, tricycles, or a motorcycle clutching a cab on the side, were common as short-distance transportation. When the oil crisis hit the Philippines like a fist up the ass, the tricycles were deemed "expensive as shit" to maintain and people invented the pedicab, which is a bicycle with a cab attached on its side. Same as a tricycle, minus the engine.
You think it's easy? Just wait till you see your passengers. Most of your passengers are either (1) Lame and unable to walk short distances or (2) So fat and lazy they don't feel like walking at all. It should probably be no problem at all transporting the first type of customer, but if you encounter the latter, you're in for a exhausting ride. Let's see you carry more than 200lbs of weight using a rusty bicycle for about a hundred yards. Sometimes they travel in groups, and the 200lbs of weight is multiplied. Let's see you drag that weight around. If you can for at least 10 hours a day, you're probably Lance Armstrong already.
Also, I'd like to mention that most pedicab drivers are elderly people who are shunned from a good paying office job and are left to do menial tasks. Wouldn't it be a surprise if you come across an old man driving a pedicab around clutching three 200lb fatties? You'd certainly want him as your grandpa.
Especially if his name is Bill and he's a Nam veteran that kicks ass.
3. ER room doctor/nurse
For one you might be wondering, why is a medical profession here when all doctors do is just tee or jack off while their patients slowly die of cancer or AIDS or whatever? For your information buddy, that's regular doctor shit, if you never came across a doctor in the emergency room, you ain't seen nothing yet.
See, cases like falling from the fourth floor of SM's Supermalls or being stabbed with a kitchen blade is much, much more common than fires. In a hospital there's always a 24-7-365 dedicated team of medical experts (some of them not experts at all but who the f-ck cares) that are ready for any cases of emergency injuries, from small baby "boo-boo's" to intentional limb amputations by angsty teens.
Doc, I my anus hole seems to be bleeding this morning. And yes, it was a really wild party last night...
Remember that one "shift" in a typical emergency room job is at least six to eight hours long before you take a thirty to sixty minute break where you try to fit eating, pissing, shitting and sleeping in a limited amount of time. Yet these men and women are always up and ready for duty in the emergency room. If they ever feel cranky for not getting enough rest, they can take their frustrations out on the patients they're looking after by acting like a bunch of dicks and just leave them to die and tell their gullible family members (if the patient has any) that the patient is doing alright...in hell.
I deeply regret to tell you that you are going to die. Isn't that awesome?
And since I love ruining your day, I'd like to tell you that about 75% of nurses graduating from medical school everyday aren't competent enough for the pace of the emergency room. So if you got into a car crash or stabbed in the back by a stranger at the marketplace, and your nurse at the ER room doesn't know the difference between anesthesia and euthanasia, you're pretty sure you're in the right direction to meet death through a retarded nurse.
Although if they have awesome racks, that changes everything.
2. Public school teacher
Teaching, especially in a government-run school, can be a good chance for you to experience hell on earth. Because, after spending a year educating low-lifes and retards, you're pretty sure those "students" were Satan's knights who decided to have fun by being a dick and pissing you off at every possible minute.
Philippine public school students.
Like a computer shop attendant, you get to meet a wide diversity of people to look after, but being in a public school, you're going to deal with a lot of assholes who waste their lives playing DoTa and getting in fistfights where they retreat to a nearby tree and fling stones while they get their asses kicked. Basically, to prevent themselves from cutting themselves up to end their worthless lives (which is pretty effective in my honest opinion), they inflict their frustrations and rage on people that seems meek when outnumbered. That's where the teachers come in.
Unless you're Chuck Norris, Duke Nukem or a professional martial arts practitioner, do not to take the path of the public school teacher. I mean, seriously, no. Better have retards running around in the streets than sacrificing your sanity and life to educating those bastards. I mean, they can't learn and they never will. Don' think talking and psychology will help you here, since these tards have lost the ability to percieve speech and relies solely on written text (aka f-bombs on Dota and Special Force) to communicate.
By saying Duke Nukem, you really need to be Duke Nukem, with the shades and Devastators and all.
1. Jeepney driver
The trademark transportation vehicle of the Philippines, otherwise known as the "King of the streets" in Filipino. The jeepney is an evolved ripoff of the Jeep Wrangler that has been modified to carry up to 16 people at a time, using only an ordinary diesel engine. Jeepneys are usually mass-produced by hand, since manufacturers were cheapskates and preferred dragging children from the streets to work on their jeepney manufacturing rather than utilizing robots for manufacturing.
Jeepney drivers, before they joined the hidden cult of jeepney driving (I won't mention a name or cult assasins will come at my house at night), were faced with a life-changing decision: either live the life of driving 8-10 hours a day or stay in KTV clubs, drink booze all day and beat the shit out of your wife once you go home. Only the tough, courageous and badass chooses the former, while the meek and cowardly bluntly chooses the latter. After prospective drivers are initiated through a couple of tests which are deemed inhumanly in a sense, they are now officially jeepney drivers and are awarded a license to drive the shitty vehicle around and a towel to wear around their necks.
Certified and trained badass.
Did I mention jeepneys work like shit?
Jeepneys are very ill-equipped vehicles that seems incapable of carrying 16 fatties all at once (including the driver) for ten hours a day. In fact, jeepneys don't have handbrakes, signal lights, speedometers, and sometimes even gastank meters. The parts of the vehicle weren't guaranteed to be safe, in fact, they were meant to fail. The steering could freeze, the brakes could fail, and the gas can run out in any given moment. In fact, being a jeepney driver can equal the thrill and success of being a super-spy-thief-whatever working in laser beam security, just with at least eight to ten people bothering you everytime, handing you their fare and telling you to stop and have them come out of your jeepney.
Kuya, bayad po. I hope I don't interrupt your laser-dodging-act as I hand over my fare.
To explain it with even more depth, once you've mastered the art and skill of jeepney driving, you can already have a go flying fighter jets and stealth bombers. You'll have to replace the steering wheel with a lame stick, however.
This is more fucking awesome than flying!
So there you go, the five most tiring, energy-consuming and ballsy jobs available in the Philippines. So my dear Americans, if you're going to whine about your nine to five shift in the nearby McDonalds or 7-11, remember what you've read here, and you'll certainly get a perk up and probably keep on working.
