After being bored hacking something in Ubuntu, I decided to go writing a very random and retarded second person series. As you are reading this, please imagine it all in your head - the sights, the sounds, the pain, the retardedness, yes, everything.
Episode One - WTF am I?
You just arrived in Uncle Sam's shithole. Congratulations!
You are a British dude. You recently arrived in America and dearly needed a smoke. So, after leaving your hotel room, you eye a cigarette stall on one end of the street. You casually approach the stall and asks the vendor for a cigarette.
You: Excuse me lad, you got any faggots?
Vendor: What?
You: I said, “You got faggots?”
Vendor: You calling me a faggot bitch?
You: No, I'm simply asking you for -
Vendor: - an ass-kicking!
The American vendor immediately responds to the confusion with a sharp fist to your face. You promptly go down to the concrete sidewalk and suddenly remember that you are not British but Chinese, since your beat-up eyes gave way to a squinted mess, and the blood loss led to fairly yellow Asian skin.
You notice the blood stains on your shirt and realize you're not going up here in America with bloodied clothes. So you cruise around the streets for a while until you find a grimy laundry shop on the end of a dead street. You enter the store and meet the laundry store keeper, who is an African-American that resembles Mike Tyson.
You: Hello, youi doi laundry here?
Owner: Yeah. You want that dry or wet?
You: Whot?
Owner: I said, “You want your laundry cleaned dry or wet?”
You: I understand no?
Owner: Are you fucking joking me?
Suddenly you remember those American movies that illegal Chinese immigrants bring to their home country for their fellowmen to see how movies are made in America. You try to remember a fancy line from one of those American films. Suddenly, you remember a well-known line and yell to the owner,
You: Yapyee-kaie-ee, motherfucker!
The laundry store owner, being extremely high on meth, cocaine, and all kinds of narcotics and liquor known to earth, quickly responds to your fail with a signature jab right between the eyes. The huge force of the punch is so tremendous that it would destroy any scale created by man. The force is so exceedingly high, that upon impacting your body, it sends your frail frame flying backwards at eight times the speed of sound. Not even the meter thick titanium walls of Fort Knox stopped your motion, not even the 500 mile thick diamond deposit beneath Zimbabwe did so. You went around the world for at least six times before finally stopping at the North Pole, surrounded by polar bears who never saw a Chinese dude before, and mistook your dead body for a tasty sea lion snack. ONOMNOMNOM
