Once again I present to you five more Filipino myths that are false in modern science. The intense fatalism ('letting God rip your shit to pieces' beliefs) and superstitiousness of Filipinos gave birth to their intense collection of myths and old wives' tales that would make anyone outside the country classify it as total bullshit. Behold, as we open up another list-based article into number 5...
When you encounter a spirit, remove your clothes and burn them.
What is it?
Yes this is for real. Oh, and you don't need to prank the average Filipino college girl to see her stripping in front of you (or through a peep hole if you prefer) and setting her clothes on fire. Why? Because the myth is getting too old.
Why it's bullshit
Clothes in the olden times were made by hand, and all were unique and totally different from others (not the 'totally different' definition given by Hannah Montana). Old wives, wanting to get laughs at the mindless adolescent girls who lacks iPods to play their "Nobody - Wondergirl" songs, decided to use this fact as a base for their fake myth.
"I want nobody nobody but~ wait, our ankles are getting exposed!"
Like this, but imagine the guy being kicked is the spirit.
However, failing to comply with the myth will result in the ghost memorizing what your face looks like and will now follow you forever, unless facelifts and plastic surgery are at your reach. The ghost will now serve as your local prankster. He will make farting noises that will immediately make people who are unaware of his presence to point the fart to you. And of course, we all know all women dread the "woman-who-farts-excessively-and-blaming-it-on-ghosts" title everyday.
However, we think this is worse.
Do not wear red during funerals (or anything with death associated).
Old wives warned the youth to never wear clothes with the pigment of red when attending funerals or just about anywhere with death apparent. Failure to comply will result in you joining the recently deceased in a few moments. The actual result of the myth was the unofficial banning of wearing the color red, since during the Spanish colonization, there was a Filipino indio dropping dead every two minutes.
But who cares, Filipinos have the ability to...RESPAWN!
Why it's bullshit
Have you seen a fresh dead body? You probably must have seen one in the movies, in video games, or if possible, in real life. What's the most common thing that comes into your mind when you speak of a recently dead corpse?
And dead spirits don't have noses either. They'll rummage around the vicinity of their death scene until they find a big body of red. The spirit, upon seeing you in your unfortunate reddish outfit, will attempt to "rejoin" his or her "dead body" (actually yours) many times like a dick. While the spirit is doing this, your own spirit will attempt to defend your body and retaliate. Unfortunately, like God kicking you in the balls, the attacking spirit is always likely to win, but he or she cannot take hold of your body. The result is both of you turned into mindless ghosts, giving you time to ask yourselves, "WTF just happened" and start blaming each other for being such a douchebag.
Like this. Also, get a load of those boobeez.
Never sneeze in a funeral lest you want to join the dead.
It is rumored that when someone sneezes during a funeral procession, it is an invitation of the dead for the person to join the deceased. In order to counter this move of dead dickery, someone will have to pinch the one who sneezed.
She is totally going to die.
Why it's bullshit
Not another myth concerning death. To make this short, I'm going to sum it up in a simple statement:
It's coincidental. If the one who sneeze did die the next day, what are the causes? Remember, it's the 16th-19th century. Most causes of death are not pneumonia, AIDS or Swine Flu, it's the Devil, the will of God or evil spirits. Usually, old wives and lazy-ass priests choose the third. How convenient.
"What? John just died?"
"Yeah. It was swine flu~"
"No, you dumb tard. It was that evil spirit again. Quick! Get the local old lady to counter it!"
"Too late noob!"
Anything concerned with pregnancy.
Eating of twin bananas will make you give birth to twins, and mostly other shit.
Why it's bullshit
More coincidences. Blame it on fatalism. Or, probably, Filipinos during ye olde times and even today are so pumped up about having children. Listen up Americans, in the Philippines, when we unintentionally get babies, we don't throw them in a river or kill them will they're still inside a woman's junk. We take care of them, turn them into mindless sheep playing DoTa and/or convulsive texters, then ship them to other countries to work as total dumbasses who don't know what the hell they're doing in their jobs. You've got to thank the Roman Catholic Church for that.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the common Filipino infant in its sixth month.
Any event is clearly the work of God.
Did you receive a pop-up while browsing porn? Yeah, that was God. Did your girlfriend just dumped you? That's God being a dick. Did you just unleash a fart? That was God too, together with your stomach.
This is God sending you a pop-up about spreading His Word.
Why it's bullshit
Remember how people classified events and misfortunes back then? Arson was not made by a pyromaniac lunatic. Riots were not caused by black people who claim themselves to be "O.G.". Death was not caused by disease or homicide. Your wife divorcing with you was not caused by your horrible mistake of introducing your mistress to her. You know how they think who caused it back then? It's God.
"I didn't make the touch! It was God, I tell you!"
In fact, the tradition of "blaming it on some powerful spiritual entity" has evolved before the Spaniards introduced Christianity up to the modern Filipinos today. You may hear a student who got failing grades saying, "God was a dick. He made me fail", or a depressed 13-year old girl saying, "God has failed to turn me into a vampire so that I can look retarded and be even more depressing and boring like those in Twilight". Since Filipinos are people who can't stand blame, they blame it on something powerful. Not their lawyer, but God, who's in Heaven playing a game of "Civilization" featuring us humans. And He plays like a noob.
Yeah, that's just about it.
If you missed the last installment of "Common Filipino myths and why they're false", you may read it by clicking here. Also, don't forget to follow me on Facebook and Twitter and get all sorts of lousy Filipino myths and other shit shoved into your brain.
