Random second person adventures 1

After being bored hacking something in Ubuntu, I decided to go writing a very random and retarded second person series. As you are reading this, please imagine it all in your head - the sights, the sounds, the pain, the retardedness, yes, everything.

Episode One - WTF am I?

You just arrived in Uncle Sam's shithole. Congratulations!

You are a British dude. You recently arrived in America and dearly needed a smoke. So, after leaving your hotel room, you eye a cigarette stall on one end of the street. You casually approach the stall and asks the vendor for a cigarette.

You: Excuse me lad, you got any faggots?
Vendor: What?
You: I said, “You got faggots?”
Vendor: You calling me a faggot bitch?
You: No, I'm simply asking you for -
Vendor: - an ass-kicking!

The American vendor immediately responds to the confusion with a sharp fist to your face. You promptly go down to the concrete sidewalk and suddenly remember that you are not British but Chinese, since your beat-up eyes gave way to a squinted mess, and the blood loss led to fairly yellow Asian skin.

You notice the blood stains on your shirt and realize you're not going up here in America with bloodied clothes. So you cruise around the streets for a while until you find a grimy laundry shop on the end of a dead street. You enter the store and meet the laundry store keeper, who is an African-American that resembles Mike Tyson.

You: Hello, youi doi laundry here?
Owner: Yeah. You want that dry or wet?
You: Whot?
Owner: I said, “You want your laundry cleaned dry or wet?”
You: I understand no?
Owner: Are you fucking joking me?

Suddenly you remember those American movies that illegal Chinese immigrants bring to their home country for their fellowmen to see how movies are made in America. You try to remember a fancy line from one of those American films. Suddenly, you remember a well-known line and yell to the owner,

You: Yapyee-kaie-ee, motherfucker!

The laundry store owner, being extremely high on meth, cocaine, and all kinds of narcotics and liquor known to earth, quickly responds to your fail with a signature jab right between the eyes. The huge force of the punch is so tremendous that it would destroy any scale created by man. The force is so exceedingly high, that upon impacting your body, it sends your frail frame flying backwards at eight times the speed of sound. Not even the meter thick titanium walls of Fort Knox stopped your motion, not even the 500 mile thick diamond deposit beneath Zimbabwe did so. You went around the world for at least six times before finally stopping at the North Pole, surrounded by polar bears who never saw a Chinese dude before, and mistook your dead body for a tasty sea lion snack. ONOMNOMNOM

A failed attempt of a scammer

So, I'm just browsing the web tonight, trying to find something to entertain me for a while, when I received a text message. And no, it's not an SMS from close people I know, it's from a complete stranger.

From: +639262631193 (09262631193)
Congratulations! Ur Sim# had won P480,000 from V-Pres CHARITY FOUND.by electronic Raffle Draw. Call me n0w Im'Atty;Rex A. Mendez DTI Permit#8094 Series\2009

Note the following:

1. The quoted message above is the original text. I included everything, including the sender's typos.
2. I recieved it on 7:17 PM, according to my phone.
3. I do not enter raffles and I have no idea I have ever joined a raffle named "CHARITY FOUND"

Having problem deciphering the message? Here is a much more proper transliteration:

Congratulations! Your SIM number had won 480,000 Philippine Pesos from Vice President CHARITY FOUND, by electronic raffle draw. Call me now, I'm Attorney Rex. A Mendez. DTI Permit#8094 Series of 2009

Here's the following reasons I find this as a retarded fail:

1. I did not enter any raffle named "CHARITY FOUND". The only raffle I seem to have entered as of this moment is a Toy Kingdom raffle for a Rock Band set, other than that, nothing else.
2. How the hell did they know my number? I did not shout my number in retarded chatrooms.
3. Why would an attorney announce to me that I've won something? Isn't it supposed to be someone else? Also, if this guy is an attorney, couldn't he text the information a little more properly? I see a text message of a ten year old here, not a professional lawyer.
4. The DTI Permit number is fake and the whole text message breaks the rules of the DTI.
5. What's with the V-Pres? Is he implying Vice President Noli De Castro facilitated this raffle draw?
   

So please, "Atty. Rex A. Mendez" or whoever you are, would you kindly stop sending people scam text messages? Because, to be honest, they're not working for people who think, which is most likely people like me. If you ask me, you're a budding homosexual who is 330 pounds and works at a gaybar with his transsexual mother who has a dick. I hope you understand.

Changed template

I changed the template again since the old one seems to stretch the pictures from the new Blogger post editor. So like a lazy noob I used an awesome template from DeluxeTemplates.net called Paper Wall. Basically, it's got my own special taste, vintage looking paper/notebook feeling that always wins and relaxes your eyes. The theme itself is a conversion of a WordPress theme by Indeziner.com and Smashingmagazine.com. For legal purposes, I did not create this theme, nor own any possessive rights to it. I am simply using it for my blog, which is the purpose of the free template. So enjoy!