Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Why Typing Maniac should be nuked

Introduction

Typing Maniac is a free application on Facebook. It is a game that encompasses three skills: Your finger agility, hand-eye coordination and your ability to quickly decide logically based on the visual representations on the screen.

The game itself is a good way to give your fingers a workout, in a non-geek way (trolling on 4chan). While playing the game, not only your fingers are exercising, but also your coordination and logical reasoning. While playing, you have to be quick at choosing which words pose as the greatest threat and look for the quickest solution for that nuisance. If all goes smoothly, you'll win (until you reach total RAM breakdown at levels 35-40).


Implications on society

The game started out as a simple way of bragging to your friends how many hours you've wasted typing nonsensical words falling down from your screen. Scores evolved from the mediocre 5,000 worm to the 600k+ alien. Everything was going fine. Those with overly-stretched fingers due from gripping basketballs too much were defeated by the geeks whose main lives is the Internet.


Like this, but worse.

Until recently, someone at somebody else's bottom of the list got pissed of how much he sucks at this game and how much time his geeky friend has wasted on the Facebook application. He thought of a plan to overcome his suckness. Some call it cheating. Internets people call it hacks, or h4x.

Cheat Engine (yes, they really named it that way) was a cheating tool (duh) that revolutionized how online gaming worked. It gave way to overly-protective game hack protection systems that usually think your defragmentation program running in the background is a hack. Slowly, Cheat Engine was dissolving like salt sprayed with water. However, the geeks who write their code (and not resort to copy-pasta techniques) kept the business alive.


See?

Numerous hacks surfaced the Internet. There is the simple Speedhack, which supposedly slows down the processing of your web browser. Its downside is that it also slows down the game and its responses, so your accuracy will decrease with noticeable results. Another hack is the Facebook bot, where a bad-written piece of code will do the typing for you, while you lurk Rule34 for homosexual midgets and post pictures of children in /b/. Again, the geek types invented more innovative ways to cheat, like the "get-the-same-word-over-and-over-again" hack, and the "score multiplier" hack. To take advantage of the retarded jocks trying to take advantage of those geeks, the geeks added price tags to their bots. That's right - just a bundle of text resembling code for only $9.99 a pop.

Am I pissed?

Now, my measly score of 1,190,872 is beat through underhanded techniques, or, in 1337speak, the h4x0rs. One of my friends posted a score of 2M+ ending on Round 38, method of hacking is probably FB bot, because those bots aren't written correctly or much to even be accurate.


Pictured above: You, while playing Typing Maniac

I'm not pissed at my loss. It's kinda better than being labeled as "typing-maniac-geek-with-elongated-speedy-fingers", or any other childish remark a child would label a civilized person. I laugh at the fact that immature children are trying their very best to beat my mediocre score.

Look, it's just a game. Who cares if you beat me. I don't care. Your mother doesn't care and would rather go as a hermaphrodite dancer than see her son/daughter turning into a hacker with no life. The world doesn't care, especially the Internets, for Internets laws forbids hax0rs. We frown upon hax here.

Only 1 in every 100 children in Nepal gets to touch a keyboard, nor even use a computer. In Afghanistan, it's 1 in every 1000. And in most parts of Africa, the figure goes up to an unbelievable 1 in every 10,000. Sometimes it goes up to 1 child touching a computer per 50,000 other children. Think about it, everytime you finish a word in Typing Maniac, the very souls of computer-less children haunts your very soul. Please keep note of that.


We're in your Internets, damning ur s0ulz.

Sometimes the best option would be to go to the nearby wilderness, get a cup of coffee, and ponder, "Why the fuck am I wasting my time trying to beat measly high scores when I can just get a life?" There's two ways that scenario can end. (1) You shoot yourself in the head or jump down a cliff, because you're too retarded to reflect in solitude or (2) You stand up, go back to the city, get a job, stop living with your parents and actually live. You're doing the human civilization a big favor just by contributing to its growth, instead of sticking yourself in the computer all day, all night, doing your best to beat someone's score on an entirely retarded game.


Have you finished thinking about it yet?

Friday, October 2, 2009

What I was doing before first wave of Pepeng

 20:30 HOURS
Friday, 02 October 2009
Some makeshift shithole in Imus, Cavite, in the Philipppines

So I'm here in my bedroom, my notebook computer on my lap, with my 32" LCD TV on before my eyes, with the news announcing that a hilariously-named supertyphoon (or hurricane in Western terms) called Pepeng is coming to wreak havoc upon the country. I tried my best to keep my fingers hitting the keys on my keyboard as much as possible, ignoring the cold sweat that prevents my palms from getting any grip on the aluminum frame of my laptop.

For now, I wonder if my house is well-protected and distanced from the danger zone. The news also said that it's lights out at 9PM tonight, which means I'll be down to batteries in my house - from AAs to 9-cells scattered about. My internet connection will be reduced to the new USB 3G modem I got when I replaced my shitty PCCardSlot2 modem (since PCCardSlots are obsolete).

I've built a barricade made of scattered materials, preferably plywood, on my doorway, to keep water, strong gusts of winds and faggots looking for shelter from coming in. In addition to the "protecting myself from faggots" part, I took the liberty to arm my Beretta M9 pistol, together with my Mosberg shotgun. If they're going to seek refuge on my home, they should talk to my 12-gauge first before entering.

Wait a minute, I just heard a loud thump outside. Could it be some retard trying to get in my fortress? Or floodwater already coming in when I don't even hear any rain yet? Or worse, it could be zombies. Fuck it, I'll stick with zombies. Defending yourself against reanimated creatures is way more fun than keeping yourself alive from inanimated beings.

I'm just gonna grab my 9mm, peer out my vantage point, and cap any dumbass stupid enough to call for help outside and bang on my wooden barricade. Oh, the hilarity.

5 common Filipino myths (and why they're false)

Religion from early pre-colonial shamanism, together with the Catholicism the Spaniards taught to the Filipinos have all together gave birth to numerous superstitions in everyday Filipino life. These superstitions have shaped how Filipinos live their lives, from pointing to matrimony. However, as usual, superstitions are created through common belief, and are not backed up by scientific evidence. There are plenty of superstitions in Filipino culture, but we are going to tackle only the most popular ones, like...


Pointing is bad luck




What is it?

Filipinos have long believed spirits roam everywhere in their lands. It's common belief that if you point at something, there is a strong chance that there is a spirit standing there, pissed at you and ready to curse you the second you put down your finger.

Why it's bullshit

The idea of spirits roaming around is based on the ancient Filipino religion of Spiritism, where, instead of gods, Filipinos worship "spirits" that inhabit their surroundings. To give respect to these supernatural beings, they offer all sorts of stuff other religions offer to their gods - food, sacrifices, etcetera. When the Spaniards colonized the Philippines, they killed everyone who opposed to the Christian religion, saying, "We got the Bible, bitch, what do have to say about that", and forcing everyone to go to church every Sunday.

Probably, like every other religion conceived, Spiritism's founders found a whole field of weed, got high, then hallucinated about spirits laughing about their failure everywhere. Also, as every other religion goes, they went to towns and scared the hell out of people that damnation will come if they do not give donations for salvation.


The founder of all religions.


Break a rosary and face damnation



What is it?

For a devout Catholic, your rosary is like your balls. Like your balls, if your rosary is broken, you're pretty much fucked. Expect heavy doses of bad luck - car accidents, wild animal attacks, psychopaths coming in your house - all causing serious pain and death.

Why it's bullshit

Because all cases of death after breaking rosaries are purely coincidental and unsolved.

Some people say the person who broke his/her rosary will die in 13 days, but, quite frankly, there is no definite date. Those who died took years before taking the final dirt nap.

Another reason for this myth is because, in the olden days of Spaniards ruling the country, rosaries were gifts from friars, and everybody knows friars were the pimps of the time, they had money, women (no really, they do), horse carriages and big-ass monasteries. Indeed, rosaries were family jewels - passed along generation after generation - until the belief of people dying from passing on rosaries came into the air.


 Pictured above: A friar, although they look older and more Spanish during the old times.

Sleeping with wet hair can cause blindness



What is it?

It is an old wives tale that, if you sleep with wet hair, you will turn blind once you wake up.

Why it's bullshit


Sigh. Slept with my hair wet again.

Like all other Filipino superstitions, this one came up during the days of Spanish colonization, back when washing your clothes isn't just showing up at your local Chinese laundromat and shoving your laundry down a washing machine or dry cleaner, it's showing up at your local Chinese laundrywoman and bitch her to wash your clothes for a hefty price. Bedcloths are also to be cleaned by hand, so it adds up to the bill.

Sure, it may seem like "the cover is only wet, you can just lay it in the sun and let it dry", however, take note that people's idea of shampoo during the good old days include ground insects, urine and salty water, so wet, 18th century hair on bedcloth is a very shitty idea (literally). Old wives probably made it up to scare their children from laying on bad immediately after a game of challenge pissing with friends.


Pictured above: Shampoo

The bride should not fit the wedding dress the day before the wedding day, lest bad luck will befall on her



What is it?

There is a long-living belief that, the bride is not allowed to fit the wedding gown before the day of the wedding. Failure to follow will result in death or just plain bad luck.

Why it's bullshit

You know when ready to wear clothing appeared on the scene? How it outfashioned seamstresses and dressmakers alike?

There are some parents who wants to get their children married as soon as possible, so they turn to ready to wear wedding atires - which were much much more expensive during that time, since mass producing various articles did not involve abused children working in a factory. Also, wearing ready-to-wear's is a big embarassment during the old days, so to avoid shaming their children, parents forbid the bride to fit the gown, lest she sees the price tag on it and her friends grab their Zarazamoras and tweet about their friend being so totally lame.



Pictured above: Zarazamora, the Blackberry of the 19th century

Sukob



What is it?

You may not marry in the same year a family relative has married or died. Doing so will cause bad luck and death among the family. Sukob is the name of this curse.

Why it's bullshit?

You remember the rosary part? Remember it's just coincidence? This is one is too.

The whole concept of "your family members" dying one by one just because one of you married the same year as another member has married or died is just some plot cut by one of Final Destination's screen writers. You think I'm talking shit? Take a look at this.

However, the league of Philippine filmmakers (Pinoyliwood sounds dumb) made a movie about this superstitious belief. And you know how much films can brainwash and affect the minds of Filipino people, especially with the obvious fact that they believe everything they see on the silver screen.


Ok guys, here's what we're going to do: We're going to make a film with extremely false beliefs as a story and fool everyone from their cash. You all ready?

Good job, movies. You official made us stupid and paranoid.


This is for you, Philippine films!